Reflections of MY DREAMS:
Today is the 31st day of March and it is the 90th day of 2022 leaving 275 days of 2022. I am 13 weeks pregnant with MY LAST child. We find the gender out in 47 days, but blood work presumed the baby was going to be a boy, although I'm waiting for the gender ultrasound. Although his father and I have no names picked out we are excited. The baby's heartbeat yesterday at the baby appointment was beating at 163. This pregnancy has been rough, started out very scary and rough with finding out I was, to having low levels of HGC and then getting Covid-19 it wasn't the dream come true way to start a pregnancy in my eyes. Although he was excited and very happy. We have been together as of March 21st, a whole 7 months but we have known each other since 2019 when he was my supervisor at Goodall Landscaping.
He was also one of my always run to friends in Maine when I just couldn't wrap my head around things that I was currently going through I could vent to him. He was there when I was in a very bad state in July of last year, first time I have ever gone to his house was in July. That day I was sad, crying and I did go to his house and yes full of tears and sadness, but he never judged me, he never once said something rude. He supported me and had me giggling and trying to help me get over what had just happened. He was a true friend, he picked me up and hugged me a nice long hug too one I remember very well. We spent more time chatting away and doing things together. I noticed I had feelings for him that were more than just friends, but I was truly scared. He was my soon to be ex-husbands friend. Although when I was married if my husband ignored his friends, they'd message me asking me what he was doing because well to be honest my husband wasn't the greatest with time or management of anything. I did the appointment scheduling; I did the cooking. cleaning and well everything for the house. But it was never enough. I was never enough, or it changed to I was never enough. At one point in time I was everything he dreamed of and more than that changed when his ex came strolling around and well little did I know I wasn't his dream anymore. He wanted a divorce after it had come out that'd been having a nice long affair that had started back when he quit his job at Goodall in 2020 when I had gone back after the birth of our daughter. I didn't see it or want to believe it but the worst part was my boyfriend now whom I worked with then saw it and was being funny cracking jokes about it but not in a way that was towards me. But he was still there to let me vent to him. We'd snap each other silly selfies as I bitched about what I was going through. He was more afraid something was going to happen to me if my husband at the time found out we were chatting, I told him I did not care because he followed his now whatever you want to call her around like a puppy dog, she'd ask something he'd jump I'd ask for help with the children and the baby and I'd get bitched at. So I wasn't going to take it if I got bitched at for speaking to a friend and coworker for that matter. I was supposed to be his wife and equal not the maid or housewife bringing in the income to support our family and his affair in the front yard. Yes, I supported the affair in the front yard, from food, to electricity, to house supplies etc. since she lived in a camper, yeah she bought some of her stuff but everything else I bought for the house she used too. She was never around to help with her children who I was raising that I had raised since birth and since they were almost a year old till pretty much this year. It will be the first year in four years I didn't do a thing for them for their birthday and last Christmas. Although looking back at that lifestyle I realized it wasn't healthy and it wasn't my life. I was placed in to help save children so the state wouldn't take them away while she supposedly got better. She's done a good job at truly faking it although I don't trust nor like her. Then again, I have my reasons. But back to my reflections before I get lost in the past and exploiting them on social media because that will end up biting me in the ass. I am 33 years old; I am not getting any younger honestly if anything older and weaker with my body aging like a person in the 70s and I am one who was once healthy and beautiful now I am just a mother who is trying her hardest to keep it together.
I have currently registered to attend Southern Maine Community College in Summer of 2022 and Fall of 2022 for Business Administration and I'm overly excited about this journey it was messed up in 2021 thanks to my ex-husband but I am not going to let that get the best of me chasing my dreams. In 2021 I chased my dreams or started to for my CDL A with all endorsements I obtained my DOT License, it was honestly a very proud moment for me as I was also possibly moving back to Massachusetts and could have started towing with Hampshire Towing and driving bigger rigs than my ex-husbands company and proving that just because I’m a woman and mother we can work in the towing industry and handle the job. My next step is well to get my CDL A; but first have my last and finally baby with my boyfriend. Although certain people will know longer know much about my pregnancy unless they read this blog, have their surveillance cameras stalk and talk to me because I’m so over being used and abused. I don’t really fucking care who it offends but hey guess what I have proof, I have everything I need to nail people to the wall and hold them accountable but I won’t use it till I need to because I’m more respectable and respectful than that. But like my mother said don’t use it till you truly need it, then be the smart one I taught you to be. Watch your back and stay true to you. So I’m doing that, I’m continuing my life, growing without them and hanging with those who want to be in my children and my life. Who want to support and cheer me on as I do the same for them. Don’t get me wrong I wish nothing ILL, bad or anything I just wish the realized what they’d done. I’m not going to forgive and forget as easily as they think. I’ll plan my baby shower with those who want to truly be apart of my children and my life. Sorry but I don’t have to explain myself to anyone and I don’t need to be lied to or used. I had never done anything wrong or said what I was being accused of. So guess it’s time to move on and not look back. Realize I waisted time and money and know that although I wish it was different nothing can be the same. Then it has me sitting and looking towards my future… that saddens me a little knowing that I gave marriage to two men that didn’t deserve what I could give to a man. Now I’m sitting her beyond happy and loved with whom I’m with just sad that I won’t ever possibly getting to give him a true wife and family experience. I’ll only ever be the girlfriend but I’m slowly reminding myself that I’ll learn to be ok with that because honestly my babies are loved and I’m loved in ways we never where before. I obtained my hunter safety course in January of 2022 and got my hunting & fishing license as well in 2022. I followed that dream of mine as well. Even bought a shot gun and handgun I never would have been able to living the way I was a year ago. I got a new vehicle in 2022 and well it’s in only my name and haven’t been more proud of myself honestly. I’m attacking things that I give myself for goals and knocking them outta the park. (reminds me I need to update and change my goals of 2022)
I can’t believe that April is right around the corner my son turns 3, my boyfriend celebrates his birthday and then we move forward the may when we find out what we are having, then we follow the holidays and birthdays for the rest of the family. Although some are getting left out and forgotten because if I’m going to be pushed away you no longer need to fake a friendship or family ship with my children they aren’t stupid and they know and see what’s happening. I’m tired of making up excuses for why they can’t go over or talk to certain people. I’m over the fake life style people want to live. I have too many goals and tasks to achieve in 2022. As we move into the rest of the year I’ll be sure to ramble back to reflections every once in awhile it’s fun and stress helpful. Well give me a month I’ll do a reflection in May when I’m about to start school. Much love to my readers, followers and real family / friends.
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